This is an archived blog from when I ran Conscious Public Relations Inc. from 2008-2018. Excuse the potential outdated-ness!
Re-kindling the fire
I have a feeling that 2015 is going to bring about themes of fire for me.
In the photo above, I am full-on in a duet with my sister, most likely in front of visitors. I remember playing the flute A LOT, but never with her. And though I remember many things from my childhood, I am led to think that there are many things I also don’t remember.
I was a very shy kid. I clung to my parents and hid behind them a lot when with strangers. I didn’t like to interact with people. Now, I am not necessarily afraid of people and I really want to connect with them, but I do feel like hiding sometimes, especially if I am not in the mood for socializing.
I was told by others in my self-development program that they saw a fire in me but that I try to cover it up with my sense of control so that I could protect myself from being judged or feeling punished. And I realized, holy shit. This act I have probably been putting on my entire life is not working at all!
They used the words fire, volcano, storm, sizzling, smouldering, and hurricane to describe me and these were FAR from the words I would use to describe myself. But they could see it, and now I’m realizing it’s very obvious to the world, so I may as well roll with it. I have now printed off a photo of Jennifer Lawrence as Catniss Everdeen in Hunger Games: Catching Fire to remind me of this experience and of who I really am but have forgotten.
So, back to the performing. In the last couple of years I have been yearning – quite subconsciously, but still yearning – to self-express. I have had this blog for over six years now, but the amount of energy that goes in and comes out of it pales in comparison to, say, dancewalking with Tree Walsh or performing in another way.
I have already set some pretty BIG goals for 2015 for this business, and while I haven’t signed a contract with myself for my personal goals, I have a feeling that if only I tap into that fire that everyone else seems to see, there will be no stopping me.
Are there parts of yourself that you’ve closed off for fear of judgement, or thinking that it just doesn’t exist within you?