This is an archived blog from when I ran Conscious Public Relations Inc. from 2008-2018. Excuse the potential outdated-ness!
Why I used to hate my birthday
I wish I had the photo to go along with this one. If I can dig it up at my parents’ place I’ll re-post it.
I remember when I first celebrated my birthday. I was in day care turning three, and my mom had brought in one of those over the top decorated birthday cakes from Goldilocks bakery. In the morning she had dressed me up in what I would later call “the egg yolk dress,” as it was white with big yellow polka dots.
I remember during lunch when she set the cake out in front of me. I think the teachers had managed a happy birthday song, while my classmates stared on. I didn’t understand that the celebration was about me. Instead I moved away from the cake, still looking at it but completely afraid of what it meant.
This fear of having all eyes on me carried with me for a long time; it probably still is with me at some points in life too (maybe that public speaking fear?). Five years ago I was working at Computershare (where my sister works) on my birthday and knew that my sister had bought a cheesecake for us to consume during lunch hour. We gathered around, and I told my sister I didn’t want them to sing, as I knew it would echo throughout the entire second floor. But she had them sing it anyway, my co-workers chiming in with the awkward uncertainty about whether they should have. For once – I secretly wished – could I just have what I wanted on my birthday…?
My birthday is still in a few weeks, but I am already planning my “perfect” day. I’ve come to a place where I want to celebrate my life because I have overcome that fear of looking at myself. I love food and so that will be a big part of my celebration. I’m looking forward to it not just to eat and be around the people I love, but to celebrate how far I’ve come in my progress. Not only will I look at my “cake” (rather, loaves) and admire it, but I will certainly not be afraid of it. Thanking the divine for that.
