This is an archived blog from when I ran Conscious Public Relations Inc. from 2008-2018. Excuse the potential outdated-ness!
I’m not sure how to start this blog, because I’m not sure where it’s going to go… the idea is that I want to communicate how we sometimes have a bad relationship with the concept of “no.” And no, I am finding out, can be a great ally.
When we are young we are told about the concept of “no” because there are things we just can’t watch, touch, or eat for our own safety. I have noticed that all young toddlers around the age of 2 LOVE to say the word no, especially when they are forced by parents to do something they do not want to do. I believe that this sticks with us into adult life, as our childhood is a blueprint for the person we end up becoming.
On Wednesday I received an e-mail that was along the lines of “no” in response to an opportunity I had offered (it was not a potential client). My immediate reaction was guilt, because I felt that the team that I was a part of would be disappointed at this result, even if may have had nothing to do with my approach or how I had asked for or offered the opportunity. I went into this state of emotional self-talk in which I proceeded to imagine myself being scolded by the rest of the team, and had that exact feeling that I’ve had many times over when I was younger, either when I knew I had done something wrong, or when I was told I had done something wrong by an adult.
10 minutes later, I talked myself out of this silly feeling, because it was just that – a feeling. This particular case of “no” had spiralled me into low self-esteem, and I realized that I had put myself in that state even though I had no idea how the others would react. Sure enough, I received an e-mail from my team member saying that it was alright, “thank you,” and that she had even received a similar response from someone she had been in contact with about the same opportunity.
Recently I have been on a bit of a rampage to get my business out there – and in the process I have received a lot of nos, but am now starting to receive the real opportunities for work. I think it’s because having a good relationship with these nos ultimately leads to the right “yeses.” I also do a lot of personal and volunteer projects, and some of them I have had to say no to, or am going to turn away because it is just not a fit for me anymore. So these nos can be good, because we have to be honest about how much we take on. If we end up saying yes to everything, we can get burnt out and be unable to help anybody, including ourselves.
Yesterday I had the pleasure of seeing Arlene Dickinson of CBC’s Dragon’s Den speak. And she told the story about how she almost self-talked her way out of not auditioning for the show – and even after being asked back after the audition – not even doing the show. If it were not for her kids giving her positive encouragement, she may not be the public figure we see today.
There is that silly no again – telling us that we can’t do what in fact we may be AMAZING at doing. Just today someone I have never met told me that I have the spiritual energy of a 40 year-old and that I have the potential to be an influencer of many (many meaning 10,000+ people). I was awestruck by this, but my mind didn’t immediately tell me no. Which is funny, because I am usually the first to admit I wouldn’t touch public speaking with a 10-foot pole.
I guess my point here is that there are good and bad “nos.” And we have to listen HARD at ourselves and figure out whether the no we are thinking about is based in reality or fantasy. Being real – whether it’s saying no to an unfit opportunity, or accepting a no we have received that we didn’t expect – is MUCH better than imagining a no that isn’t serving us.
I hope you have a good relationship with no on this Friday. Happy weekend!
